Sunday, April 27, 2008

What I Forgot Before

I'm sure you'll be delighted to know that my cousin Joshua is a trained nutritionist. Let me rephrase that. He THINKS he's a trained nutritionist.

His latest two teachings on the subject, which I'm sure we should all take to heart and incorporate into our diet, are these.

Always take all the skin off your chicken, because "I don't eat animal fats." Refuse to have it explained to you that steak contains animal fats. Eat steak constantly, under the impression that it has no fat...presumably because it's not covered in chicken skin.

Refuse to drink non-diet Coke, because "I don't want the caffeine." Drink two cups of non-decaf coffee every morning and sometimes another couple in the afternoon. Also drink up all your cousin's diet Coke, without which she cannot face the morning.

A few of his other words to live by...don't buy the New York Times because it costs too much. Completely ignore the fact that your cousin is sitting at the kitchen table with the price of said paper in her hand for you when you go to the deli and buy the News and the Post. It's a matter of principle, after all.

Whenever you feel that you need to do laundry, go right ahead. When your clothes are ready for the dryer, take out whatever may be in the dryer at the time, failing to notice whether it's dry or not. Dump damp laundry on foot of cousin's bed to mildew away.

And, my favorite. Refuse to be convinced that there is a way to get out of the shower without leaning 180 pounds of weight onto the towel bar, and rip it out of the wall every time you shower. How klutzy does one have to be to be incapable of getting out of a damn shower unaided?

Love, Wendy

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