Random Assemblage

There are at least two men in my new neighborhood who wander around in this lousy winter wearing parkas, gloves, hoods up on the parkas, scarves...AND SHORTS. Would someone like to explain this to me?

Email from Grant Wilfley...am I free February 14 and 17 for the Boardwalk? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

I can has new hat. I got a hat, but it got basically laughed right off my head. It was a trapper hat, which I made the mistake of trying to find in January at Kmart. Kmart had exactly two trapper hats left, although they had a fine selection of bathing suits and tank tops. One trapper hat was camouflage which I refuse to wear because I hate it (and for that matter, I'm violently anti-war, so it just seems wrong). The other trapper hat was very strange, but it fit, you see. This is a consideration because I have an oddly small head, so hats often don't fit right on me. This one was black with black and white dogs with flowers behind their ears and bright pink bubbles and pink fake fur. It was pretty hideous. Sarah had fits when she saw it. However, I wandered over to 14th Street today and found one of those little stores which had a nice brown plaid hat that actually fits beautifully and is nice and warm, so I am now happy. And nobody will look at my head and giggle or point any more.

Unfortunately, what I was actually looking for on 14th Street was nowhere to be found. In fact, as far as I can tell, they are nowhere to be found (at a price I'm willing/able to pay) anywhere.

Evidently, all manufacturers have suddenly decided to stop making turtleneck sweaters. I have been all over the damn place. Old Navy, H&M, Filene's, Forever 21, Marshall's, TJ Maxx...and I have found: a brown turtleneck, brown being a color for which I have no use at all. A black turtleneck, which is lovely, except that I have two. A wonderful blue turtleneck...cashmere, $159. No. Oh, and of course, a red turtleneck. I have one of those, too...along with the two black ones, it's only good for private wear...no black, red or white on a movie set.

What I wanted was to go to Old Navy and find what they have EVERY single year...a nice big table stacked with their good ribbed cotton turtlenecks in every color of the rainbow for about 19 bucks each. I have a drawer full of them, each of which has been mended long past its natural life, but which I'm going to have to live with, obviously. Even in October, Old Navy didn't have proper turtlenecks this year. And Filene's, which usually has piles of those nice August Silk ones, had nothing.

I will just have to assume that all manufacturers have decided to wage war against ladies with necks they prefer to keep hidden and insist that we wear V-necks all winter. Now that I think about it, since a V-neck in winter means you have to wear a scarf, this may be a clever marketing ploy to make us buy not only the sweater, but one of those big mufflers so our chests don't freeze. This is excellent...unless, like me, you are short-necked to begin with and seem to have NO neck in one of those things. GRROOOWWWLLL.

Meanwhile, on the apartment front, I am fascinated with all the caulking and sealing that's going on in this apartment. Dan from the building comes over at least once a week to caulk something or seal something to the extent that I feel perfectly fine about dying in here should anyone want to view my body. By this I mean that if he keeps this up, the place will be hermetically sealed. What fascinates me is that all of this sealing and caulking comes with dire instructions not to smoke in here (which I'm not, which is a goddamn nuisance, what with putting on coats and boots and all). Well, frankly, then why bother with all this? It makes no sense at all to me.

And finally...going out to buy the papers this morning, toddling carefully along like a two year old because of patches of ice...along comes a lady in a jacket, miniskirt, and four inch spikes. I wonder how long she lasted on the ice patches? And I do so wish I'd been there to watch when she hit one...

Love, Wendy